Volcano of some of life... (LONG)
While I have written here and there in a personal journal, I still have not been consistent, even in that. And now looking back at this blog and looking over some posts, I am amazed at memories that I had forgotten, or remembered differently than what they were, and I am again reminded at the quote that I have at the top of my blog, for a reason, that journaling is so important, for so many reasons.
We have been listening to the soundtrack to Muona the movie, and how they pass down their stories from generation to generation. Their culture and stories and lives are all passed down. Except the explorer part, that part was forgotten. How easy it is to forget a part of ourselves and our heritage if we do not pass it down. How easy it is to forget what can happen, what can strength us, or bring us down, or give us joy, or what is just a part of who we are if we do not remember, in whatever way we can, by word, story, pictures or journaling.
So maybe I can get better at it. And need to. My brain seems to be fighting me, for whatever reason and I am losing. Luke doesn't really know, no one really does, how bad it really is. But it is getting worse all the time. I forget simple things sometimes, and can figure a way to somehow remember them. But other times I can't. Other times I have to cope and find another word that works or some other way to make something work. Sometimes it's a simple word. A simple math problem. How to play a song that I have played for 20 years now on the piano suddenly trips me up.
I am forgetting people's names that I have known for years, some that I have worked with for some time. I didn't think about it much when it was a bunch of kids in a group. I had fallen down the stairs and remembering that many names for a few weeks when I was only seeing them once or twice a week was just not going to happen. But it has progressed to more than that now.
I will forget where I left the keys 10 mins ago. What I went into the room for. Sometimes I can retrace steps and figure it out, sometimes not. That I just told someone 10 mins ago I would call them right back. That I have a meeting that isn't in my phone to remind me. If I don't have it in my phone to remind me, and even then sometimes, it may or may not happen. I have not scheduled my younger boys birthday parties for months, because I keep forgetting! My poor boys. The older of the two thinks I don't love him. It's just that I can't remember. And I want to cry when I think about it.
So is it any wonder that I am forgetting my past? Forgetting my children's past? Very strong memories are there, but everyday things are gone. I can recall a handful of times from my childhood through last week it seems.
Memory testing is in a few weeks. And I am nervous that she will say, "All is good" Everything medically lately is "normal" except my thyroid is a little off again after being normal all of a sudden after I went off my medication to try and make it go crazy so they would up it to help me. That back fired, LOL. But I can feel it, feel that it's off again. Which may be part of the memory thing.
It makes taking care of the family that much harder.
I stay active and busy because it takes my mind off all this, most of the time. I have to keep busy or a go crazy. Home overwhelms me. And so I do a lot. But school is ending soon, which is good, to rest and yet then I go stir crazy, LOL.
Stress - VA issues- trying to maybe moved from 100% to 70%, memory issues, Caregiving, tons of DR appts for Luke, Lizzy, Lars, me! Ortho for Lars now, Tanner graduating this year, Older kids working jobs and 1 car for family! Lars IEP and school grades... Younger boys not wanting to go to church because dad isn't, daughter having a hard time with anxiety...
Busy- with all that plus Radkids (which is outlet but adds a little stress), a bunch of callings at the moment, which I love most of them - ward, stake and temple organist (LOVE those!) Relief Society compassionate coordinator- new and ok so far, and Scout Committee - not loving it, working on getting it to work.... that one falls under a little stress too, lol.
Self care has been a little more of a priority lately. I knew I was needing it. So bubble baths, reading, craft hobbies, kind of binge watching Netflix (guilty pleasure and lazy) But this last week I did do a little more cleaning around the house and proactive precooking. Baby steps, baby steps. But I know I can't take care of them if I am not taking care of me. So I am trying to be better and maybe that will help with my memory too.
Mean while, Lizzy is working at Target and liking her job. She is signing up for online classes at UVU, she's hoping that won't be so intimidating and hard as Snow was for her.
Tanner is ready to graduate last year, move out and see what it's like to do it all himself. LOL nd then he would move right back real quick, LOL
Lars is doing much better in middle school than last couple years at Pony. But we still struggle with homework and practicing trumpet. I have hope for marching band in a couple years!! I just keep that tiny bit of hope... We also found out this last week that he has a horseshoe kidney. Means a number of things that we need to watch out and be careful for, but he will be fine as long as he is careful.
Torben is getting better at not destroying things, and not throwing so many fits. We have got him on medication to help him sleep which helps when he sleeps good. We still need to get official diagnosed but for whatever reason I don't remember and it hasn't happened. He has had amazing teachers the last couple years though.
Luke is doing a little better. He is stable. Not getting better per say but not really get worse, except during anniversary half of the year. We have started going to Gerald Rogers Awaken seminars, long story on how that started, but those kind of helped him focus a little and it's been good. He's learned some coping skills and made some friends and that has been beneficial.
And it's been good for me, the social butterfly who needs to fly. I have been emotional dying slowly since 2009 and I don't know if radkids is enough to help me anymore. I need social, communication and to help. I haven't figured out exactly what I want to do, but I know that I was amazing at my Mary Kay and that it did those things for me, and it didn't hurt that I made money, ;) So I have needed something, and Awaken has helped me "Awaken" a little and given me a little bit more purpose along with radkids.
We have been listening to the soundtrack to Muona the movie, and how they pass down their stories from generation to generation. Their culture and stories and lives are all passed down. Except the explorer part, that part was forgotten. How easy it is to forget a part of ourselves and our heritage if we do not pass it down. How easy it is to forget what can happen, what can strength us, or bring us down, or give us joy, or what is just a part of who we are if we do not remember, in whatever way we can, by word, story, pictures or journaling.
So maybe I can get better at it. And need to. My brain seems to be fighting me, for whatever reason and I am losing. Luke doesn't really know, no one really does, how bad it really is. But it is getting worse all the time. I forget simple things sometimes, and can figure a way to somehow remember them. But other times I can't. Other times I have to cope and find another word that works or some other way to make something work. Sometimes it's a simple word. A simple math problem. How to play a song that I have played for 20 years now on the piano suddenly trips me up.
I am forgetting people's names that I have known for years, some that I have worked with for some time. I didn't think about it much when it was a bunch of kids in a group. I had fallen down the stairs and remembering that many names for a few weeks when I was only seeing them once or twice a week was just not going to happen. But it has progressed to more than that now.
I will forget where I left the keys 10 mins ago. What I went into the room for. Sometimes I can retrace steps and figure it out, sometimes not. That I just told someone 10 mins ago I would call them right back. That I have a meeting that isn't in my phone to remind me. If I don't have it in my phone to remind me, and even then sometimes, it may or may not happen. I have not scheduled my younger boys birthday parties for months, because I keep forgetting! My poor boys. The older of the two thinks I don't love him. It's just that I can't remember. And I want to cry when I think about it.
So is it any wonder that I am forgetting my past? Forgetting my children's past? Very strong memories are there, but everyday things are gone. I can recall a handful of times from my childhood through last week it seems.
Memory testing is in a few weeks. And I am nervous that she will say, "All is good" Everything medically lately is "normal" except my thyroid is a little off again after being normal all of a sudden after I went off my medication to try and make it go crazy so they would up it to help me. That back fired, LOL. But I can feel it, feel that it's off again. Which may be part of the memory thing.
It makes taking care of the family that much harder.
I stay active and busy because it takes my mind off all this, most of the time. I have to keep busy or a go crazy. Home overwhelms me. And so I do a lot. But school is ending soon, which is good, to rest and yet then I go stir crazy, LOL.
Stress - VA issues- trying to maybe moved from 100% to 70%, memory issues, Caregiving, tons of DR appts for Luke, Lizzy, Lars, me! Ortho for Lars now, Tanner graduating this year, Older kids working jobs and 1 car for family! Lars IEP and school grades... Younger boys not wanting to go to church because dad isn't, daughter having a hard time with anxiety...
Busy- with all that plus Radkids (which is outlet but adds a little stress), a bunch of callings at the moment, which I love most of them - ward, stake and temple organist (LOVE those!) Relief Society compassionate coordinator- new and ok so far, and Scout Committee - not loving it, working on getting it to work.... that one falls under a little stress too, lol.
Self care has been a little more of a priority lately. I knew I was needing it. So bubble baths, reading, craft hobbies, kind of binge watching Netflix (guilty pleasure and lazy) But this last week I did do a little more cleaning around the house and proactive precooking. Baby steps, baby steps. But I know I can't take care of them if I am not taking care of me. So I am trying to be better and maybe that will help with my memory too.
Mean while, Lizzy is working at Target and liking her job. She is signing up for online classes at UVU, she's hoping that won't be so intimidating and hard as Snow was for her.
Tanner is ready to graduate last year, move out and see what it's like to do it all himself. LOL nd then he would move right back real quick, LOL
Lars is doing much better in middle school than last couple years at Pony. But we still struggle with homework and practicing trumpet. I have hope for marching band in a couple years!! I just keep that tiny bit of hope... We also found out this last week that he has a horseshoe kidney. Means a number of things that we need to watch out and be careful for, but he will be fine as long as he is careful.
Torben is getting better at not destroying things, and not throwing so many fits. We have got him on medication to help him sleep which helps when he sleeps good. We still need to get official diagnosed but for whatever reason I don't remember and it hasn't happened. He has had amazing teachers the last couple years though.
Luke is doing a little better. He is stable. Not getting better per say but not really get worse, except during anniversary half of the year. We have started going to Gerald Rogers Awaken seminars, long story on how that started, but those kind of helped him focus a little and it's been good. He's learned some coping skills and made some friends and that has been beneficial.
And it's been good for me, the social butterfly who needs to fly. I have been emotional dying slowly since 2009 and I don't know if radkids is enough to help me anymore. I need social, communication and to help. I haven't figured out exactly what I want to do, but I know that I was amazing at my Mary Kay and that it did those things for me, and it didn't hurt that I made money, ;) So I have needed something, and Awaken has helped me "Awaken" a little and given me a little bit more purpose along with radkids.
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